In the latest clash between rivals that have long vied for control of
highly prized cruise routes, a barrage of cannon fire from Royal
Caribbean’s M.S.
Allure of the Seas sank a Carnival Cruise Line ship that crossed into disputed waters off the coast of the Bahamas, sources said Thursday.The
Allure, an Oasis-class recreational vessel with a standing crew of around 2,300, opened fire on Carnival’s M.S.
Magic
after it allegedly ignored repeated warnings not to approach Coco Cay, a
private island owned by Royal Caribbean. After sustaining several
direct hits, the enemy ship’s hull reportedly ruptured, immediately
flooding its bingo hall and spa with seawater, collapsing several theme
restaurants, and ultimately killing all 3,675 guests on board.
“By approaching within three nautical miles of Coco Cay, the M.S.
Magic was in direct violation of the terms of the 2011 Caribbean Nights cease-fire agreement,” said Captain David Beeman of the
Allure,
stating that the attack was necessary to safeguard the recreational
interests of the customers he is sworn to serve. “Per standard
procedure, our limbo emcee first alerted the
Magic that it had
entered our territorial waters by issuing a verbal warning and blasting
conga music over our PA system. When the ship refused to change course,
we proceeded to launch a broadside from our starboard cannons,
delivering a direct hit to their most crucial facilities, including the
engine room, water slide, and Red Frog rum bar.”
“We suffered just one casualty ourselves, losing a tango instructor to friendly fire,” he added.
Pulling up alongside the smaller enemy vessel, the 1,187-foot
Allure reportedly extended its powerful battery of guns from the portholes of a lower-deck theater currently staging
Mamma Mia! Witnesses said
Magic patrons standing in line for the 24-hour seafood buffet had little time to take cover before the
Allure opened fire, scattering body parts and shrimp scampi all over the ship’s pool deck and mini-golf course.
“When
the first shells hit, you could see blasted sections of the hull,
bloody scraps of cargo shorts, and flaming flip-flops raining down into
the ocean all around,” said
Allure passenger Nicole Rice, adding that a few
Magic
guests tried to run for safety behind overturned massage tables, but
were set upon by a Royal Caribbean boarding party that had crossed over
with the assistance of their ship’s zip-line and ropes-course operators.
“Once the second round of fire took out the piano bar and Guy Fieri’s
Burger Joint, it was pretty much all over. The
Magic had just dropped anchor for the Dune Buggy Heritage Adventure Tour, so it really had no chance of escape.”
Maritime historians are calling the attack upon the
Magic
the deadliest encounter between rival ocean liners since the so-called
Cruise Wars of the 1990s, when the wrecks of sunken pleasure vessels
littered the waters from Fort Lauderdale to St. Kitts. During that era,
the upstart Disney Cruise Line came to rule the waves, and marauders
dressed as Pinocchio, Goofy, Tinker Bell, and other company-owned
mascots were known to slit the throats of their competitors’ guests and
plunder everything from bar supplies to blackjack tables to karaoke
equipment.
Despite official explanations, Thursday’s attack is
actually believed to be in retaliation for a 2013 incident in which a
Royal Caribbean vessel on a nine-day Best of the Bahamas cruise was
captured off the coast of Paradise Island. According to deck logs, its
entire passenger list was impressed into service as caterers aboard
Carnival’s
Breeze flagship.
“I’ll never forget the sight of the
Magic’s
crew and guests desperately trying to bail out the Club O2 teen zone as
the ship started to tilt, causing all the deck furniture, the ice cream
sundae station, and those seniors on their church group trip to go
sliding off into the sea,”
Allure passenger Jason Heidt said.
“Then I guess they lost power, because suddenly all the party lights
shut off and everyone in the Punchliner comedy club went silent as the
ship capsized.”
“Everyone except Joe Rogan,” Heidt continued. “He kept on telling jokes until he was completely underwater.”
(@leahmcelrath) July 28, 2017
