Getting a handle on the back of the man's neckline with one hand while pounding his face with the other, Pope Francis allegedly beat an admission out of an uncooperative Catholic parishioner Thursday in a private alcove of St. Dwindle's Basilica. "Tune in, pal, I haven't gotten warmed up yet, so we can either continue doing this the most difficult way possible, or you can release some compensation at this moment. Things being what they are, what is it? Have you maligned the Lord's name, borne false witness? Perhaps two or three minutes being held facedown in the baptismal textual style would help you recollect a transgression or two," said the Vicar of Christ, moving up the sleeves of his vestments before snatching a long, overwhelming ecclesiastical mace and more than once smacking it into his open palm, creating the limp, bloodied man to at long last confess to dismissing his familial obligations and wanting others' belonging. "There, was that so terrible? Presently say 10 Hail Marys and escape my fucking sight." The pope then allegedly gave the groaning man one more kick in the ribs as a suggestion to come to one week from now's Mass with something to admit.
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